5 Box Disorders...

April 18, 2017



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As a trainer at our local box, I've noticed some conditions that you may, or may not have.  Read below to help diagnose, and treat some of the most common box disorders.

#1.  Maturity Deficiency

If your trainer can't get through coaching the Snatch, Thrusters, Jerks, Wall Balls...etc. without constantly pausing for laughter as you insert double entendres, and "that's what she said" jokes, you may have been born with a sense of humor that has only reached the maturity level of a middle school boy.

Treatment:  There is no known treatment for this disorder.  Most who suffer from Maturity Deficiency never recover.

#2. OCD (Obsessive Changing Disorder)

If you obsessively ask to change the WOD on the white board, you may be suffering from Obsessive Changing Disorder.

Does the statement below sound familiar?  If so, you may want to see your trainer about ways to be less annoying...

"Hey I know the whiteboard says kettlebell swings, running, and pull-ups, but I was thinking about doing sit-ups, rowing, and handstand pushups instead, is that ok?"

Treatment:  Trainers of people affected by Obsessive Changing Disorder can help treat the condition by rolling their eyes, encouraging the affected person to stop being a sissy, or by imposing a 50 burpee penalty every time they ask to change the WOD.*

*Warning:  Athlete will likely ask if they can do 50 jump squats instead of 50 burpees as a penalty.

#3.  Movement Dementia

Have you been going to your box for over 3 years?  Do you still have trouble remembering which movement is which?  If so, you may have Movement Dementia.

Here is a test...

When your trainer says the words "power clean," which of the following questions, or statements do you respond with?

A.  Do we pass through a full squat in a power clean?
B.  I think I'm going to scale these because I'm not very strong overhead.
C.  Which medicine ball should I use?
D.  Can we switch power cleans to bicep curls?

If you answer A,B, or C you may have Movement Dementia.  If you answer D, you may have Obsessive Changing Disorder.  You may also be in the wrong gym entirely.

#4.  Dysfunctional Counting Syndrome

Do your results typically end with an "ish" or a question mark? 

If your internal dialogue sounds something like this during a WOD, you may have Dysfunctional Counting Syndrome...

"38, 39, 50, 51...Wait, did I just skip a few reps?...62, 63, 24, 25...Wait, which round am I on?  26, 27, 38, 39...Oh Crap!  I forgot my Sit-ups in round 3...4, 5, 6...Oh well, I guess I'll just look busy until a few other people finish..."

Treatment:  While there are no known cures for Dysfunctional Counting Syndrome, those affected can elect to enter every possible local, regional, or worldwide competition to occasionally post an accurate score by way of having a judge to count their reps.

#5 Gymnesia

One moment someone can be totally entrenched in the functional fitness lifestyle, and the next you'll see them wandering around Walmart with a distant look in their eyes, and a cart full of Ho-Hos.

We can only theorize that this is some sort of Amnesia.  They've forgotten the benefits of being fit.  They've somehow gone back to neglecting their nutrition, and worst of all, they've forgotten where their gym is located.

Treatment: Don't risk frightening them off, as they are most likely scared and confused.  Calmly tell them that you remember them, and that they have a family that loves them, and wants them to come back.  See if they can recall any memories at all of their former selves.  It may be helpful to have other members of your gym contact them as well.

So there you have it. 5 disorders to watch out for at your box.  In the whole scheme of things though, all of them are pretty harmless (unless you never recover from #5).

Have a WONDERFUL day!
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Ian Sturgeon
Ian Sturgeon

Author