By now, many athletes have discovered that they will not be making it to regionals...and therefore will not be standing on top of the podium at the games.
We propose the following awards to celebrate some of the often overlooked accomplishments present in boxes all around the country...
Excellence in Perspiration
When this athlete walks into a room, everyone takes notice...Mostly because simply walking into a room is enough physical activity to put their sweat glands into overdrive. If you know someone who deserves this award, you'll easily track them down as they'll leave a trail of sweat angels and slimy doorknobs behind as they grace us with another display of their glandular greatness.
Shooting Star Award
This athlete almost never shows up, but when they do, you can bet they'll blaze through the workout with all the dazzling speed of a shooting star. You also won't see them for quite some time as conditions for shooting stars aren't always optimal. If you start to miss them, simply program the one thing they're good at to lure them back to the box.
Creative Math Award
This athlete shows constant innovation in the field of mathematics. Who says numbers have to go in order? or that 1+1+1 doesn't equal 7? Watch as this athlete defies the traditional limitations of arithmetic, and invents new and exciting ways to reach scores the rest of us have never dreamed of achieving!
Honor for Experimental Linguistics
This athlete communicates almost entirely through grunts...They can say things like "I lifted that"..."I am sore"...and "I finished the workout"...all by using moans, heavy breathing, and exulting yawlps. Way to go!... or in terms you can understand....nnnnGUHH!
Achievement in Chalk Placement
This athlete sees uses for chalk that others can't even imagine...Did they chalk their hands...yes...Barbell?...Yes. Chest, back, legs, kettle bell, pull up bar, car keys, iPhone, and Fit Aid?...Yes.
You can't top this person's chalk game. Once, they brought their own chalk from home to chalk the gyms chalk, so they could get a good grip on the chalk, to chalk things.Award for Advancement in Frugality
This athlete will do anything to keep from buying...well...anything.
Why would someone buy a weight belt for themselves, when they could just tape together the sweat soaked loaner belt with a broken buckle? Buy their own speed rope? That's crazy-talk! All they have to do is borrow John's rope. It's only 6 inches too short, and he'll never know if they alter their workout times to avoid him.
Give this athlete a big pat on the back, and buy them a beer...'cause we all know they'd never buy themselves one.
So there you have it. Some slightly more achievable awards for the rest of us.
Everyone is good at something. Let's celebrate our strengths, as we continue to work on our weaknesses. Who knows, maybe someday we'll reach one of our loftier goals :)
- - -