Dear Gym Equipment,

August 29, 2017

If the CrossFit gym equipment at our box could read. This is what I would write...

Dear All Black Medicine Ball, 

I like to use you the most because you are the same color as gym grime.  This helps me pretend that you are not covered with all sorts of bodily fluids, and dipped in dirt.

Sorry I used to ignore you and use Smaller All Black Medicine Ball.  It's nothing personal, it's just that Smaller All Black Medicine Ball was easier to carry, and used to leak sand. 

Every time I broke up my wall-balls, Smaller All Black Medicine Ball would leave a bit of sand on the ground upon impact.  Subsequently, it became slightly lighter than all the other medicine balls, and gave me an edge.  It has now been taken out of circulation, so I hope you weren't hurt by my previous indifference to you.

No hard feelings?

Dear Red Steel Ply-box,

You are a jerk. 

I've seen you leave multiple people in a mangled bloody heap after tripping them up during box jumps.  It's honestly hard to tell where your red paint ends, and the blood of your victims starts.  You shouldn't be here.  Nobody likes you.  You are scrap metal at best.

Go home.

Dear 50lb Kettlebell,

You are so close to measuring up to the RX'd weight!  It really is a shame that you get almost no use because of your shortcomings.  What kind of measurement is a "pood" anyway?  Does it really make a difference whether we do 50lb swings, or 53lb swings?

Yes. 

Our egos need to click the RX button, so as much as we'd love to use your wider, and more comfortable handle, you're dead to us.  Don't blame me, blame the Russians for coming up with this random unit of measure, and for adding yet another double entendre to the list of words that go great in functional fitness puns.

Get it?  Pood? Ha!

Dear 24.5 inch plyo-box, 

Your were created by a high school kid as a shop project.  Unfortunately you came out 1/2 inch taller than all the other boxes.

Your secret is safe with me.  In fact, I'll make sure you get tons of use by "helping" people get set up for their metcons, and strategically placing you next to anyone I'm feeling competitive with.

Keep doin' your thing!

Dear Black Barbell, 

You were purchased because you are sturdy.  You are basically indestructible, and I'm sure you'll serve our gym well for the next decade or two.

However, in your product description it was mentioned that your weight was accurate within 5 pounds, and after weighing you, I've found that you are indeed on the heavy side.  

I know I don't use you, but I'm glad you're here.  I'm always chasing the stronger athletes here at the box so thanks for making it just a little easier to stay even remotely close to the fire-breathers in barbell workouts.

Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to mention your true weight to everyone else, but until then, stay heavy.

Dear Community Weight Belt, 

You used to be mine, but one day I showed up, and it was apparent that you had been working out with someone else.  As generous as I am, I don't love wearing the sweat of a mystery athlete in my workouts.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this.  Don't be surprised if you and the rest of your unfaithful friends get completely ignored someday as people continue to add to their own personal gear.

I honestly don't know what people see in you these days, Community Weight Belt.  

I've moved on.

 

Sincerely,

Ian

 

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