Explaining Firebreathers

Have you ever strolled into your gym, glanced at the whiteboard, and been stopped in your tracks by a ridiculously fast WOD time?

You saw the workout the night before, you estimated how long it would take you to complete it, and some superhuman has had the nerve to cut MINUTES off even your loftiest goal for the workout.

If you're scratching your head at the results of a local firebreather, we've come up with some ways to explain-away the incredible WOD results that are bruising your ego.

1.  They've done something terrible.

Sometimes when someone finishes a WOD way too quickly, I'm left wondering..."What have you done to deserve such pain and agony?"

Did they kick a puppy?  Trip a senior citizen?  Drink the last LaCroix?

Whatever they've done, their remorse has led them to complete the workout at a pace that can only be described as self-loathing.

Never trust someone who regularly ends workouts on death's doorstep.  Anyone willing to punish themselves that harshly is likely serving a penance for their past life as a bloodthirsty drug-lord. 

2.  They're part of a super secret Homeland Security unit of cyber-genetic robots.


How else do you intend to explain their lack of fatigue other than advanced robotics? 

Maybe everyone knows more than they think when they exclaim, "Whoa...That lady is a machine!"

To rule this option out, bring a metal detector to the box, or stand close enough to listen for the hydraulics working under their human-tissue exterior.

3.  Your gym is playing a practical joke on you.

What if this conversation happened without your knowledge?

"Hey guys, have you noticed how competitive _______ is?  Let's make up some fake results, and drive them crazy by posting impossible scores!" (malevolent group laughter ensues).

If you've never actually met "Fran Wodington," you may have been duped.

4.  They totally cheated.

This is a classic way to explain-away incredible results.

Who cares that the WOD was an open workout, and they had a judge counting their reps? Throw out the fact that they're a Nun who did the workout after a long day of feeding homeless children at a soup kitchen.  So what if the athlete in question once returned a ballpoint pen to a bank teller along with a tear-stained apology letter.

They lied.  End of story.

5.  Double Under Wonder jump ropes.

I mean, it sort of goes without saying that having lightning bolts on your jump rope gives you an unfair advantage, right?  How can you possibly compete with someone who used colors like Bounding Blue and Rapid Red in their custom jump rope design?

If only there was a way to get your own magical speed rope...

Ok, ok, we got a little carried away there, but you really will benefit from the consistency of having your very own custom rope.

Are they an unfair advantage? No.  Will they have you inching up the whiteboard on double under days?  Yes.

Click below to start designing!

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