How To Almost Do CrossFit

Hello, and welcome!

Rumor has it you're ready to almost do CrossFit training exercises? Well, get ready to almost completely change your life!

Follow me, and I'll show you around the box.

First things first, let's talk about nutrition. Many Crossfitters adhere to the paleo diet.  This is something that you should definitely almost follow if you're going to almost do CrossFit WOD exercises. The most important thing to note here is that there is a paleo version of any non-paleo food you can imagine. 

While you may not be able to eat Oreos anymore, you can totally have paleo cookies that have about 1/2 pound of honey in each batch.  Also, while you're almost following paleo, make sure you eat TONS of fruit, and aim for things like paleo-funnel cake, paleo-brownies, and paleo-ice cream whenever possible.  Furthermore, you should always remember to "stay balanced" by making sure you get in a couple of cheat days per week if you're expecting to almost see any results at all.

Now, to your left, you'll see a whiteboard with the "WOD," or "Workout Of the Day" written on it. The idea here is that every day, we all show up and undergo a workout consisting of constantly varied, functional movements.  However, most CrossFit gyms post the workout the night before.  If you expect to almost get incredibly fit, you'll need to watch the blog, facebook page, or Wodify account to avoid attending workouts that are even slightly out of your comfort zone.

At the front of the class, you'll see a trainer.  Do not listen to anything this person says.  

If your doctor told you to eat lots of whole grains at a checkup 15 years ago, then by golly you'd better believe he was right. If your high school P.E. teacher told you never to squat below parallel, then you should ignore any other opinion, along with most of human history.

Oops, it looks like the trainer is now gathering everyone together to start the warm up, so this is the perfect time to avoid eye contact and head to the bathroom.  Stay there for 10-15 minutes, so the rest of the class is mostly done warming up by the time you get back.  This will help you avoid almost all those pesky drills aimed at helping you maintain proper form in the actual WOD exercises.

You're doing great so far, now stay with me 'cause things are about to get tricky.

It's time to pick out a weight for the workout, and there are two ways to go here...

1. If you have ANY weightlifting experience at all, make sure you pick a weight you have no business using in a high intensity workout.  When the trainer asks you to scale back, make sure you roll your eyes, and act super annoyed.  Also, try to sneak more weight onto your barbell while nobody is watching.  Continue this non-coachable attitude, and keep pushing the envelope until you eventually hurt yourself, or formally decide that everyone here is an idiot, and walk out.

2.  If you're used to long sessions of cardio in an effort to be rail-thin, you'll want avoid heavy weights.  As you begin to safely perform CrossFit training exercises, continue to scale down to ridiculously low weights to make sure you don't ever "get bulky." Also, look at the workouts ahead of time as I mentioned earlier, and replace any heavy weightlifting workouts with some sort of 2 hour session on an elliptical, or a long, slow run. These actions will help you avoid getting super-fit, while simultaneously sparing you the embarrassment of looking strong enough to carry anything heavier than a handbag.

Now, after the workout is over, you'll want to avoid posting your score on the whiteboard, or taking note of it at all.  This way you'll never really know whether you're gaining fitness or not.  With no obvious evidence of advancement, you'll have some latitude if you ever want to claim that "CrossFit training exercises don’t work."

How ya doin'? I've given you a lot to think about so far, so I'll stop here for today.

I hope this information has been useful.  There are LOTS of ways to almost do CrossFit WOD exercises, so if you keep it up, and get creative, I have no doubt you'll avoid getting incredibly fit and adding years upon years of high quality life to your time here on earth.

Good Luck!

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P.S.  If you're sick of ALMOST nailing your double-unders, you might be interested in one of these :)

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