We spend a lot of time griping about the equipment at the gym. If it could talk, I'll bet it would gripe about us too.

Here are some examples...

Gymnastic Rings

Hey, seriously, enough with the entitlement!  I wish I had a nickel for every time someone screamed "AWWWE, COME ON!" at me.

I cannot make you stronger, or lighter. I cannot impart muscle-up knowledge. I am an inanimate object. I am performing my job flawlessly according to the laws of physics, and your blame shifting is both misguided and hurtful. 

I will allow you to rise triumphantly through my nylon straps when you earn the right to do so.  Until then, go snuggle with the participation trophy you got in the 2nd grade, and stop blaming me for your shortcomings.

With (tough) Love,

- Jim Gymerson

Wall Balls

Oh really?!?! You hate it when I slap you in the face? Well, let's just assume having snot, saliva, and sweat wiped all over me is no picnic either.

I just want the best for you, but as soon as you're done using me you let me fall from 10 feet up and then kick me around like I'm being initiated into a street gang.

You know what? I'm glad you were sore for a solid week last time we worked out together. I relish the thought of you moaning with every step. I hate to be this way, but a turn about is fair play.

Regards,

-Wally Ballshot

Extremely Large Tire

I hate to point out the obvious here, but rolling me is supposed to be much easier. Have you ever pet a cat tail-to-head instead of head-to-tail? That's basically how I feel every time you use me.

I don't want to hate you this much. Why don't you just set me upright and take me on a long leisurely stroll? We could splash through some mud puddles, or roll down some hills or something!

Hopefully Yours,

-Rollin Longtread

Rower

Ummm...have you ever even seen a boat?  Maybe read about one in a book somewhere? I'm doing my very best to mimic the rowing experience here, but you're flailing around like some sort of psychopath.

I am not supposed to scoot across the gym floor. I am not supposed to slap myself silly with my own chain on every stroke. Oh, and there are numbers other than 10.

Sincerely Confused,

-Windy Pullhard

Bumper Plate (at the bottom of the stack)

Hey, ummm, remember when 20 people came to that 1-rep max deadlift class in 2015? Yeah, that's the last time I got any action at all.

Every day at the box, I see my buddies help people get stronger, hit PRs and do cool stuff like overhead walking lunges, and I'm over here having my heart broken, or crushed really, as you slam 300-400 pounds on top of me at the end of every class.

Weighting for you...Get it?

-Roundle Wateley

Random Exercise Bench

Hey bro, what's your bench? Not benching today? Anyone want to lean on me and do Tricep Extensions? Dumbbell Flys? Isolation Curls? Curse this place.

I could have been so useful, so often at a normal gym. Yes, I'll hold your keys...and iPhone ...again.

Faithfully Yours,

-Preston Brosesh

Stereo System

Soooo, ever heard of Classical Music? Folk? Jazz? NPR? Could we change things up a bit?

I know you're craving a steady stream of Death Metal, Dubstep, and Gangster Rap, but frankly I'm exhausted. I've been blasting music at "tear-your-face-off" levels 7 times a day since this place opened, and I'm politely asking you to chill out a little bit.

Seriously Though,

-Recordo Turner

- - -

Unlike the equipment above, I'm sure our ropes would just say all kinds of bright, cheerful and encouraging things...'cause come on.  How could anything so fun be salty...Right?

Click below to design your custom speed rope!