Dear Valued Gym Member:
It has come to our attention that many of you are concerned about the mountain lion we've recently added to our equipment list.
Some of you have had the nerve to call our training methods into question, and there's even been the threat of a lawsuit from a member who was barely even mauled.
Before things escalate any further, we thought we'd take a moment to explain why the mountain lion is here, and the many benefits we feel she brings to our gym culture.
We deeply desire to train our members for the unknown, and the unknowable.
We want you in good enough shape to run for help in the event of an accident, strong enough to carry someone to safety if needed, and intuitive enough to avoid being attacked by a large, hungry predator.
We chose to add a mountain lion to the box because we knew it would be a completely unexpected move that would keep our members on their toes. For this same reason, we don't let the mountain lion attend every workout. We want people wondering if the mountain lion is perching on top of a pull-up rig, taking a nap in the wall-balls, or crouching behind the trash can in the bathroom.
A large component of functional fitness is spatial awareness, and we knew adding a mountain lion to the mix would heighten everyone's consciousness, and help us practice being more alert, and mentally present in our surroundings.
We also feel like the mountain lion will help encourage some of you to pick up the pace in running workouts. It's common knowledge that predators tend to target the slow, injured, or weak who have strayed from the pack. The mountain lion's presence should be motivation to push the tempo a little bit, and do your best to finish running WODs with the rest of the group.
Furthermore, try to avoid looking tired, or sick when you come through the garage door; that's a sure-fire way to get picked off.
Many of you have asked if you can "scale" the mountain lion to something smaller, like a bobcat, or even an old grumpy house cat that hisses, and scratches people at random.
Unfortunately, we only had enough money in our equipment budget for one ferocious and cunning beast of prey.
We've also had trouble explaining to the mountain lion which members wish to scale the workout, and which members wish to complete the workout as RX'd. For now, you should assume that you are always at risk of being attacked by the mountain lion while at the gym, in the parking lot, or driving home.
As with any addition to our equipment, there will likely be a learning curve.
We're still getting to know the ins-and-outs of large carnivorous felines ourselves, but here are some tips that may help you finish your first mountain lion WOD unscathed.
-Avoid animal prints of all kinds. Besides being a bit tacky, they tend to pique the mountain lion's curiosity, and can be seen as a challenge (leopard prints) or a tasty treat (zebra print).
-Avoid monopolizing the squat racks, as the mountain lion tends to perch on top of them frequently.
-Do not play dead. As much as you may feel like it after the WOD, mountain lion attacks are best fought off vs. waited out.
-Leave your Paleo food at home. As much as we love the Paleo lifestyle, the possession of meat can really lead to some intense aggression.
-Pay all membership fees in full, and on time. Failure to do so may ensure the mountain lion's presence at your usual class time.
Thanks in advance for your open mind and understanding.
While not everyone has been on board with the mountain lion so far, we hope you'll understand our motivation for making her part of our gym.
It should also be noted that the mountain lion will not be present at the post-WOD pot-luck this Saturday...or will she?...
Your loving coach/mountain lion owner
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P.S. Colorful jump ropes tend to confuse the mountain lion, and repel attacks...Just sayin'. You might want to design one now. :)