What To Expect When Eating Clean...

October 29, 2019


I've been slowly counting down the days of my "100 Days of Discipline" challenge which includes 100 days of consecutive clean eating.

I've only got 6 days left, so I thought I'd let you know what to expect if you're interested in doing something similar.

Here are 10 observations in no particular order...

1.  If you REALLY count calories, dive into this diet 100%, and make sure your macros are perfect, you'll be amazed by how annoying you are at dinner parties.

2.  If you're tall like me, you will have to lose roughly 75 pounds before someone says something like..."Hey...Did youuuu...like...get a haircut or something?"

3.  Sardines are a great source of omega 3s & protein.  Purchasing them along with cat food is a great source of looking like a loving pet owner with a big heart who spoils their kitty-cats with delicious treats.

4.  You will have frequent nightmares about accidentally cheating on your diet, and may wake up in the middle of the night with a deep sense of failure as you angrily spit out imaginary red jelly beans.

5.  You'll begin planning your first cheat meal with excitement weeks in advance. Which is a lot like saying..."Hmmm..Let's see...how should I light my curtains on fire when I finish my home renovation?...Gasoline?  Flame thrower?"

6.  You'll typically be able to follow the letter of the law in your nutrition plan while abusing the spirit of it...

Dear management team at Bolder Canyon Potato Chips (cooked in avacado oil):  I am deeply sorry for the inevitable layoffs you'll have to make at your factory when I finish 100 days of "clean eating."

7.  You will no longer need to put notes on your food in the office fridge to keep people from stealing it.  I assume this is out of a deep respect for such an impressive commitment to nutrition.

8.  You will strongly consider slashing the tires of the barista who swore their Egg Bites were just...

"egg whites and red pepper flakes."

When he really meant that they were just...

"Egg Whites, Cottage Cheese [Cultured Skim Milk, Skim Milk, Milk, Cream, Contains 2 Or Less Of Whey, Lactose, Salt, Maltodextrin, Guar Gum, Citric Acid, Carrageenan, Mono And Diglycerides, Locust Bean Gum, Xanthan Gum, Carob Bean Gum, Potassium Sorbate, Carbon Dioxide (To Maintain Freshness), Natural Flavor, Vitamin A Palmitate, Enzymes], Monterey Jack Cheese [Pasteurized Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes, Potato Starch, Powdered Cellulose, Natamycin (A Natural Mold Inhibitor)], Red Bell Pepper, Rice Starch, Unsalted Butter [Pasteurized Cream, Natural Flavors], Spinach, Canola Oil, Feta Cheese [Pasteurized Milk, Salt, Cheese Culture, Enzymes, Potato Starch], Green Onion, Salt, Hot Sauce [Distilled Vinegar, Red Pepper, Salt], Canola Oil, Spice."

9.  You'll discover that being "Hangry" is not a defensible stance in a court of law.

10. Your strict, masochistic dietary practices may escalate into whipping and bondage behaviors.

Well, I'd better go.  It's lunch time and this refrigerator isn't going to stare at itself for 20 minutes as I wait for something delicious & healthy to appear.

Have a WONDERFUL day!
 
Ian Sturgeon | President
Double Under Wonder, Inc.



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